There’s not a moment to lose in the game
Don’t let the troubles in your head
Steal too much time you’ll soon be dead
One of the most crushing feelings I've experienced was like so:
I feel a need for connection with my loved ones. I feel unsafe to the point of retreating into solitude.
Imagine, if you will, a giant rope bridge in the middle of nowhere. this bridge spans hundreds of meters over a very deep chasm into who the heck knows where. Human beings built the bridge; not technologically advanced human beings. They have tools, but not technology.
When I imagine that bridge, and when I've seen pictures of such bridges, I wonder, "how did they build that? Where did they even begin? How did they get it to span that distance?"
And how do I start building this bridge between safety and love?
Today I decided to make a commitment to myself.
Or... perhaps it is more that I am challenging myself to meet this goal.
Excising the word, "you" from my lexicon.
Well, there may still be questions. "Do you want pepper with that?"
I am challenging myself in this way because I feel hurt.
Why? I feel hurt because the word "you" is something I hear a lot of; usually, however the rest of the sentence goes, I end up feeling panicked, ashamed, frustrated, angry, alienated, detached, hurt, hopeless, anxious, overwhelmed, fragile, insecure, and depressed.
(I'm working on feelings here. Need help? Here's a feelings inventory.)
and I've observed that when I use the word, "you" I am frequently blaming someone else for something. In the course of that, I see how much my words have hurt them. I've also observed that when I've used the "you" word that I do not get heard on the rest of my message.
... and then the kicker, I've hurt that person, and then I feel ashamed.
... and then I feel defensive because the bitch in my head won't shut up about how much I've fucked up.
Now that may seem harsh; I feel pretty angry about this really. I feel angry that self-compassion sometimes seems so out of reach.
It's a very difficult cycle to break out of and I've been fighting this one for what feels like an eternity.
I've been learning compassionate/non-violent communication (NVC). The toolkit is there and I've managed to practice it in "real life" several times, and I attend a group where that is the sole focus: practicing NVC.
Ultimately, I'd like to approach people in a way that does not create defensiveness and self-protection. I'd like also if people approached me that way. And removing "you" as a challenge will, at the very least, mean I need to slow down and think through what I'm about to say.
The rest of this post are quotes that I feel speak to my current work. All of them are from Marshall Rosenberg (he created NVC). There's nothing more after the quotes. Enjoy, and have a wonderful evening. May you have find joy, peace, connection, safety, and love.
These quotes come from (and there are many more) the NVC Site. Emphasized quotes are ones that, for me, hit even more home than the others.
-Lisa, 2014-04-09, Comment
Today has been very productive though I did not finish - nor start - the task I set to myself. I spent the day instead preparing for my mini-vacation.
... and now I just finished packing for the coast - except for any things that I need tonight or tomorrow morning. The dogs food is even packed in a Styrofoam cooler with ice, currently freezing away in their chest freezer. All I gotta do is pick that up and put it in the car. Oh my but is dog food a pain. ;)
Seaside Wednesday-Friday. The forecast looks lovely. Tomorrow will likely be only a short jaunt on the beach as we'll get in late afternoon. They will need to be run out after the run before I take them to the house we're renting. I'll get them settled in then dinner for everyone and a relaxing evening hanging out.
Wednesday, however, will be primarily spent on sand by the ocean with the dogs running and playing and me playing with them. I do have pilates and yoga plans for the beach. Whee! I'd rather the weather forecast said, "sunny" instead of chance of rain, but that's ok. We'll enjoy ourselves out there no matter what. :)
A leisurely Friday morning with check-out by 11am. I'll probably take them to the beach for a final play/hike before we drive on home. Then time to get the car detailed to be rid of sand and dog fur and prepare it for normal, every-day use.
Then back home and a bunch of days until I go to Soho, NYC!!
Fun times and good days ahead. I hope everyone is having wonderful days, nights, and everything in between.
-Lisa, 2014-03-19, Comment