Every month or so I have a meltdown. This is definitely correlated with my hormones but a bit harder to track since I'm on hormone replacement therapy. So I use a calendar.
The warning at the beginning of the week was timely. It didn't make the end of the week any easier. Neither did difficulties not involving me mid-week help make the weekend easier.
But a lot of this weekend was my hormones. I spent much of the time reading about Robin Williams and staring into far off places contemplating serious issues; things I was afraid of, and how they added up. I contemplated the color green and the numbers on the telephone. I spent the rest of "most of the time" asleep in my bedroom, isolated on purpose. I made hard decisions thankfully rooted in things I discovered at Beloved while also considering that the "me" after Beloved - and Beloved itself - was a complete lie. A bullshit world that is unsustainable and rooted in the imagination, not reality.
For what it's worth, I don't believe Beloved was a lie, nor who I can be or was after Beloved. But a part of me still has that niggling feeling....
I turned off Facebook (which has now been on and off several times in the last day and is now "off") while contacting a far away partner letting him know that means of communication (previously our primary means) was now shut down and asking for us to move to email. I think it was probably more of a demand, "Hey, I won't be on here anymore, here's my email." He loves me and replied to my email quickly with absolute, unconditional love and support.
My website was down; I'll turn it "on" after I post this.
In the days since Beloved things went wonderfully; until this week. Then things went nasty. And it wasn't all me, several of the days were nothing me, actually. Several of the days were part me. None of it involving others was all me; however, the times when I was alone were definitely all me. It wasn't easy being green...or blue, or whatever.
In light of this weekend I changed a lot of things. Turning off Facebook was only one part of that equation. This site was turned off, another part, and this site staying on is precarious at best. I abandoned all of the plans for this weekend, including an experience I'd been trying to work up the courage to participate in for over a year. I was also movement restricted due to being rear-ended on Thursday so any hopes I had of progress cleaning my room and prepping the closet to be finished were delayed.
On top of that, I dealt with the feelings of betrayal and difficulty that occur when families play "telephone" and made a specific request to avoid that happening again. I have no idea how else I'll address that for I'm still raggedly mad about it and still dealing with the feeling that it might have been purposeful and willful - intended, on purpose, to make the situation worst - something that 6 years ago would never have entered my mind: such purposeful manipulation wasn't part of my world-view. That has changed. Is that change about me? I'm not actually willing to take me personally on that nor to discount it to hormones. If this feeling persists in the next few days it could end up being a serious turning point for me. I'm still figuring that out.
At this point I am questioning my whole identity. Do I want to be a hermit? Do I want to be social? Do I want to be in a relationship or relationships? If so, mono? poly? And if so, again, solo poly? Living alone or with others? I know only this: my ongoing deal-breaker of, "if you object to me hugging people then we can't date" will always be there. The rest? Well I don't know. But that deal-breaker has persisted for as long as I've persisted in not wanting children. I hug; anyone involved with me will have to deal with it including when I'm hugging not them.
Who am I?
I still don't know, this weekend made those questions more poignant and more serious and more immediate. I've modified how I handle my calendar and how I handle invites to events that in and of themselves cause me trepidation. I've changed "yes" to "maybe" for several things. I recognize the withdrawal and I am allowing that to happen because that is part of how I heal. I have an incredible support network of friends and lovers that have been through this with me for 20+ years and still accept me. Thank you. For those that have disappeared - well, that is OK too, for ya'll need to take care of yourselves and I can still love you even if you're not present in my life. And that, too, is a gift. Thank you. And in some cases, growing apart is a real thing. And I miss and love those people too.
The plans for the future that seemed so certain now seem awash with uncertainty.
... even posting this here seems fraught with danger. Not feeling safe on my own blog is a newness to me, and not a good newness.
Time will tell. In the end, we'll all be OK. What is, is, and what will be, will be. That's really all that I've got for this current struggle - trust that the universe knows what the fuck is going on. I wish I trusted it enough to surrender to it. Maybe some day.
-Lisa, 2014-09-02, Comment