. . . in the distant, early morning . . .

Making relationships work is hard.

I have friends across the globe.  Some of these friendships are easy to maintain; we care about each other, we shoot off emails throughout the day, watch each others social networks, and consider each other friends.  In need, we turn to each other; in proximity we see each other.

They used to be much harder to make work, before social networking, before Skype, before the Internet.

Remember those days?

I have friends in Seattle.  I don’t know if they considers me a friend as we haven’t talked directly in a long time, but I care for these people and if they needed me, I would do my damnedest to be there for them.

I don’t have many friends in Oregon.  More recently, but I can count the number on one hand.  I have been trying to nurse a new one along and it is the most drama filled situation that I could ever dream of; I hate drama, I avoid it, I was successful for a whole lot of years in that avoidance.

So why am I trying to make it work?

I don’t know.

I keep trying to figure that out.

This person is intelligent, beautiful, caring - but for some reason, we just often collide in negative ways.  But I hold some apparently deep-seated, subconscious belief that the friendship (that doesn’t yet exist) is worth the effort. 

Why?  Why go through this much stress?

I simply do not know.

Here is what I do know: I need more friends.  I need people I can reach out to, cry on their shoulders, hold them while they cry, laugh over stupid movies, have coffee, and share experiences.  I have precious few of those in my life and the ones that I rely on the most and have loved the longest are hours and hours away by plane.  It is deeply and irrationally hurtful.  It hurts me a great deal when they are hurting and I can’t be there; and it clearly hurts me when I need them and I can’t say “please, can we get a drink and talk? I could use an ear and a hug.”

Back when I was in my teens I had a friend named Toby.  He and I used to spend hours together talking, hugging, snuggling.  We were always purely friends, but we had a level of intimacy that I find lacking in my life even now.

And I don’t know how to find that person.

I… still feel very much alone.  I don’t know if Oregon is home; but right now, it feels alien.  I wish I was in NY, or San Fran, or even St. Louis.  I wish I had even one person that I knew would drop everything to be here (and that I wasn’t dating.) 

A very smart man once told me he says “I wish . . .” very carefully and truly means it when he says it. 

Those wishes above—I truly mean them. 

I don’t know how I managed to isolate myself so badly; but this can’t go on any longer.  I can see that clearly now. 

If only I knew how to fix it.

-Lisa, on September 30, 2011 at 7:50 pm .::. Comments and Reactions

As some of you know, I have recently been involved in a relationship that has gone ... extremely well, actually.  The relationship is with an incredible man named Michael.

Over the course of the last month, Michael has essentially lived in my house, sleeping there nearly every night.  He and I have, over the course of the last few weeks, discussed making that move an actual official move into my home and are now moving forward with that plan.

This will mark the first time that I am officially living with someone I am in a Relationship with since Nathan.  It will be only the second time I’ve actually moved forward with this arrangement.

I have a laundry list of concerns that go along with this, of course.  Mostly about space sharing, alone time, etc.  There is the relationship model that I’m still getting used to, but that’s less of a concern.

But mostly it’s just the underlying nervousness that such a huge life change encompasses, especially when it involves another human being.  Anyone that has spent a lot of time with me knows I do not share space particularly well and that my tantrums, while usually fairly rare, are… intense.

But what’s the worst that could happen?  It doesn’t work out and Michael moves out.

Ultimately this is what I want, and I was actually the first one to bring it up (as a joke, mind you).  While I’ve hemmed and hawwed a bit over the last few weeks, this is actually what I want.

Human connections, love, relationships - they’re worth the risk. 

Onwards?

-Lisa, on September 28, 2011 at 11:56 am .::. Comments and Reactions

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had Time Enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just.”

“It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women.”

The above two quotes are from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein.

I have hesitated to post this on my site.  After all, it is a potentially sensitive topic and this is not a private site.  I know my colleagues read the site, and I know my family reads the site.

But it’s something I want to talk about, and gosh darnit, it’s my site and I’m not particularly prone to hiding important parts of who I am.

I have recently been reading about and exploring ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory.  I am currently involved in a wonderful relationship that is non-monogamous.  What does that mean?

It means that Michael and myself are seriously involved, but still open to dating others.

I am not talking about sex, though yes - that does have a tendency to be a feature in adult relationships.

So here’s the deal.  I grew up reading a lot of Heinlein.  Now he’s a very controversial author, but I believe in many of the things I feel he espouses in his novels - and those includes the ability to love more than one person at a time.  He has nests from Stranger in a Strange Land, the communal families in Friday, and can we really forget the rather raunchy, loving Johann/Joan from I Will Fear No Evil?

What about the Long clan?

But that is just one facet.

We live in a society where over 50% of marriages fail due to insecurity, jealousy, cheating.  I am not convinced that serial monogamy works over the long term; or heck, even over the short term.

Of course, yes, it works for some.  But the numbers out there just don’t seem to indicate success in the majority of cases.

Polyamory has become a bit of a buzz word in some areas - especially liberal communities.  It can mean a great many things.  To me it means really what it says: the ability to love many.  I’ve also become a huge fan of the XeroMag Polyamory Site.  To me, polyamory signifies the ability to love multiple people, to share harmony, peace, caring, communication.  Being able to be open and honest and share in each other’s lives seems to me to be a very fulfilling proposition.

Many humans are very sensual creatures.  We look at each other, hug, smile, touch.  It’s all about connection.  In a healthy relationship, you can be open with your partner(s) about those desires.  If there is open-ness and communication, assurance and confidence, what reason would there ever be to be jealous?

I’ve never been good at jealousy.  I’d much rather cheer people on.  Jealousy tells me something is wrong, that there is insecurity and lack of confidence and underlying problems. 

I’ve always felt that way.  But I was never able to understand it, or explain it, or connect with others that can understand, empathize and be part of that.

But here in Portland I have found a wonderful group of people that are accepting, understanding, encouraging.  I’m venturing into a new social circle that may or may not pan out, but it will let me explore one more mode of relationships - and human variance is a beautiful and awe-inspiring things.

I don’t know if there is a “right” way.  I feel that the “right” way is the one that makes people happy.  The only sin lies in hurting others.

Being in a long-term, monogamous relationship may make some happy; but for a large number of people, it simply does not work.  Instead of those relationships dissolving, why not communicate with your partner, branch out, love each other enough to be confident and secure enough that loving others come naturally?

There’s an incredible, growing community out there.  There are so many different relationship models and ways to approach this.  Like I said before, it is awe-inspiring and eye-opening. 

I know that I can love more than one person at a time; and I know that in a healthy relationship I do not get jealous.  In fact, the opposite.  I find a great deal of happiness from the happiness of those I love.

This seems like a good, healthy fit for me.

It feels right, and that ... has been a long time coming.

(I also recommend Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships)

-Lisa, on September 5, 2011 at 6:17 pm .::. Comments and Reactions