. . . in the distant, early morning . . .

I am not who I was.

In January, I was a lazy, fat girl with no real aspiration to fix my fitness, or weight.  I was a hermit and a recluse by choice and nature, and had no real intention of changing that either.

One day in Mid-January I woke up and was different.  You couldn’t see it yet, but it was there.

I changed my diet massively, started working out.  I still stayed at home a lot.

In March I went Paleo and started CrossFit and started going out a little more.

Over the summer I have made a whole new circle of friends.  I’m down nearly 60lbs from where I was in January.  I can do band-assisted pull-ups, lift heavy things, and have more stamina and energy than ever.

So why am I suddenly depressed?

It started a few days ago. There are elements of social shock, a very busy July with mom here then going to California, a week off of CrossFit, and just a sudden realization that I haven’t the foggiest idea who I am.

I have been learning more about different relationship models (mono vs. poly, evolutionary and modern, etc.), reading more about my future as far as my career goes.  I’ve had success after success and I don’t actually know why.  This person that I am now, I don’t recognize her.  She’s a stranger.  One that I am enjoying learning about, but a stranger nonetheless.

What stonkers me even more is that I no longer know what I actually believe, what is important to me is changing somewhat rapidly.

This all has left me as just fine company (dripping sarcasm here) for myself, with my head going into an abundance of places that it simply need not be. 

Now, I realize that people go through changes and are constantly evolving - but this feels much bigger, and quite possibly a lot more than I’m capable of handling right now.  It’s like everything is happening all at once and while all of these things are good it’s just too damn much.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, but if I’ve seemed a bit down lately, now you know why.  It’s hard to write when you don’t know who you are to write as.

-Lisa, on August 4, 2011 at 9:56 am .::. Comments and Reactions

I don’t write about work here very often.

I came to realize awhile ago that I should either write a lot more professionally, or keep it personal.  It wasn’t fair to either audience if I constantly switched pace, and my readership would get frustrated in one direction or the other.

Hopefully most people reading know the answer: I kept it personal.

So forgive me for a moment if I write about work.

I am part of an incredible community of web designers, web professionals, and of course, #eecms fans.  While I don’t speak to many of these folks as often as I would like to, I have “grown up” with many of them in this industry; together, we have participated in ExpressionEngine’s, and EllisLab’s growth, and of course, the growth of the community’s respective businesses.

My love affair with ExpressionEngine started with the software, but my passion is our community.  Every single person in that community is someone I care deeply for.

But it goes beyond business, here.  Social networking: Twitter, Google Plus, Facebook, has brought the community together, enabled communication channels I never dreamt of seeing in 2004, and allowed us all to share a little bit more of our lives.

Today I tweeted about a big *personal* accomplishment: hitting the 50# lost mark:

My wonderful “cheerleaders” come from my *business* community.

(@Cirira being the wonderful exception)

In 2004, I had an inkling of what the community could be, and what it meant to be part of it. There was, of course, an awesome community already.

But I never imagined the love I would feel for this community and the people that are part of it.  I never envisioned the sense of belonging, comradeship, and support that the community would bring to each other.  Perhaps I was shortsighted.

I thought my passion was for the software, and yes, for helping people succeed using it.

But that was only the stepping stone.  Because there’s so much more here, and it floors me to think that I’m somehow honored to be part of this.

To my #eecms community, to my friends, cheerleaders, and supporters - I love you guys.  I really do.

Thank you.

-Lisa, on July 9, 2011 at 11:03 am .::. Comments and Reactions

You see this crapola on reality television all the time.  Some dude/ette loses 100+lbs in 3 months, and somewhere along the line, s/he says, “I now treat food as fuel, I don’t eat for pleasure.”

Did I mention the word **crapola**?

There may be people in the world that don’t enjoy eating, I know there are.  But I don’t think that 3 months changes someone’s innate pleasures that much.  I just don’t buy it.

I’ve lost 50lbs so far.  I LOVE FOOD.  Adore it.  I enjoy the flavor, the texture, the smell of it cooking.  I enjoy the comfort of being satiated at the end of the meal.

Look, yes, food is fuel, it’s energy, hell it’s survival.  But I’m sick of hearing people say that we shouldn’t enjoy eating.  Eating is a healthy, enjoyable experience that a great many cultures use also as a bonding experience.

The problem with eating is not rooted in the enjoyment of food; it’s rooted in eating too much, or making bad food choices, or in my case a combination of those two: eating too much of the wrong food.

So yes, I’ll continue to enjoy food.  I’ll dine at awesome restaurants, and cook delectable meals, and I won’t sit there and think “this is like putting gas into a car.”  I’ll sit there and think, “Oh. my. goodness.  This is DELICIOUS” and I’ll pat my tummy and smile and enjoy myself.

Fuel? Bah humbug, I say.  Eating is not inherently evil and it’s not a pleasure you need to diminish in order to have (or regain) health.

Make good choices, eat up, and enjoy life.

-Lisa, on June 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm .::. Comments and Reactions