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I have terrible self-esteem.
Anyone that knows me well knows that my self-esteem is shot, and has been for a long time. I can speak with confidence on quite a few subjects, but as far as my confidence in myself goes - I have none.
When I signed up for CrossFit, I refused to sign until I was about to “X” out the part where they could use images of me. I’ve discovered that they take a lot of photos and video - and that’s part of being in that community.
But what it comes down to is self-image. There are a few things about myself that I simply don’t like, but the clear winner is my weight.
Like many morbidly obese people, I don’t like where I’ve let my body and my health go. No, that’s not quite right, I need to take ownership here.
I hate where I pushed my health and weight to go.
I hate what I did to myself.
This comes down to much more than simply being fat. It comes down to not loving myself enough to take care of myself. I would never allow my dogs or cat to become overweight because I know the health risks that involves; but for me - not only did I not take care of myself, I did not care. I didn’t care about myself enough to eat healthy and take part in activity to keep myself moving.
I don’t know where in my life this happened. I can’t remember a time that I was ever comfortable with my body or myself. I’ve always been painfully shy, and it has always come down to self-image. If someone tells me I look good - I thank them, because that’s the polite, correct response. But I never, ever believe it. Never.
That belief is silent, and it is a killer. It doesn’t have to kill through suicide, though my eating and exercise habits were a slow form of suicide. But I never thought of it that way; there was nothing anyone could say that would convince me. I told everyone I was happy with myself, with how I looked, and I just did not see a reason to change.
I don’t know when that perspective changed for me. Maybe it was the weight on the scale. Maybe it was not being able to run and play with my dogs the way we all wanted to. Maybe it was not being able to keep up with a group walking at EECI. Maybe it was the complete fear that my friends would want to do something physically taxing and I’d have to say, “no.”
Or maybe I just woke up and was sick of not loving myself. Living with someone that you don’t respect and don’t like is very taxing; and I’m stuck with me.
Now that I’m eating healthy and working out 5 times a week, I have much more confidence in myself. I know I’ve lost 30lbs so far, and I know that I can stick with this lifestyle for the rest of my life. I know that I have goals and that I’m working toward them, and I know that I have a strong support network.
But I still regress. Almost every time I CrossFit (5x/week) I say, “I can’t do that.” Or a trainer will say, “do it heavier, do it faster. you can do it.” and my first response is always to roll my eyes and to disagree. I only realized this today when I was doing the CrossFit games WoD with a 40lb bar. After the WoD I tried 60lbs and was able to do it once. I would have accomplished fewer reps but I would have pushed myself harder. I could have done that intensity . . .
if I had only taken a moment to believe in myself.
The fact is that I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole, except to keep working as hard as I feel able, and to prove to myself that, “yes, I CAN do this.”. When I did 95lb deadlifts I couldn’t believe I could even lift the bar, and I did 45 of those deadlifts. When did a 1rm push press, I got to 75lbs. A month ago I started doing push presses at 30lbs.
Maybe I can show myself that I can do this. Maybe at some point I’ll do such a heavy clean & jerk that I’ll suddenly realize that I am strong, and I can push myself. Or maybe I’ll be able to row 500m in less than 2 minutes and realize that yes, I CAN do that, and I can keep it up even longer than I think.
But I’m not there yet. I don’t know how to trust myself, I don’t know how to love myself, and I definitely don’t know how to believe in myself.
Hopefully this journey will show me the way.
-Lisa, on April 6, 2011 at 8:38 pm