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Can you feel that “but” hanging?
I do like Oregon. The cost of living is great, it’s green and beautiful. The people are generally friendly.
But… as much as I love it here, it’s not home.
How can you identify such a thing? I’m not really sure. I’ve never felt that settled and comfortable in one place. I haven’t felt that desire to “plant roots” in any one location yet. I did purchase this house, and I’ll likely stay here another few years. But there are some days when I wonder if my resolve to do that will continue.
Knowing all of this you might ask why I invested in a house?
There are many reasons. The primary reasons are animals. It can be very trying to rent a home with animals, and I wanted two large dogs and had two cats. Telling a landlord “I don’t have dogs, but I intend to get 2 puppies, one now, one in two years” - well, that just generally doesn’t go over well, even if you over a stupidly high security deposit. To add to the drama, I ultimately want a breed that many are scared of: Rottweilers. Sometimes the only solution to that is to own your own home.
I also like autonomy. “Autonomy” is magic to me. I wanted to be able to renovate and paint. I wanted to landscape. I wanted things you simply do not get to do as a renter - or that are stupid to do (ie: renovating the master bathroom).
So I searched. I looked at 102 homes, and on the 102nd home - on Superbowl Sunday, with my dad visiting, I found this house. I made it home for a few years.
Generally speaking, I’m not a “saver”. I don’t like having a lot of “stuff” I don’t use. Owning this house - due to its immense size (2400 square feet, one human being) - I’ve accumulated stuff.
Of those items, this summer I hope to sell most of them. That means clearing out cupboards, the attic, the garage. Having garage sales and giving away items via Freecycle and Craigslist, and perhaps a community donation center.
But of the “stuff” I don’t want to have, I have begun saving boxes. No, I’m not turning into some wild box hoarder.
I think my brain has moved on from this house. I don’t know where it’s gone - but I’ve been going into “prepare to move” mode. Saving boxes, minimizing the crap that I have, organizing so that I know what I have and what I want.
The problem is that I don’t know where I want to go. I have friends in the midwest (hi Chris), and I could easily get the acreage there that I desire. But the midwest is really not a place that entices me. Tornados and other weather hazards are there. There are churches on every corner, sometimes multiple churches on one block. It’s just not where I imagine myself.
Places like New York City and San Francisco - they tempt me. But I have a very posh lifestyle here in the Pacific Northwest. I can purchase what I want, I can afford my pet’s medical bills, I very rarely have to sacrifice. If I make the move to anywhere near a big city, that lifestyle - one which I treasure - is going to become severely hindered.
Growl has enticed me with thoughts of the mountains outside of Silicon Valley. Say, 30-40 minutes away from the ocean. I could afford that, and the drive to the ocean would be much more reasonable than it is here (1.5 hours). One of my dearest friends lives there, and I’d be close enough to the city to enjoy it on occasion. I do know folks from the ExpressionEngine community that live in the region as well.
I could move back east. New York, Jersey, Philly. Heck, the Carolinas or even back to Northampton. That would put me in driving range (a long drive) of my folks, so I would get to see them more frequently. I do have friendships in NY that I could revitalize if I were closer. Jersey is not the pit that most people think it is - there are some lovely places. Philly is a wonderful place where I also have friends.
I could move down to Florida - one of the more “hip” places. The market is severely depressed so I might be able to get a good deal on a new house. If I lived somewhere like Florida, I could have my pool. I don’t know anyone other than my grandma in Florida.
I have also considered Arizona. Cheap land and lots of potential for green housing (solar power yay!). I know no one in Arizona and am not good at making new friends, so of all the places that appeal to me - that is the scariest.
All of this is to say that my brain has transitioned into nomad mode - but my heart isn’t pulling me anywhere. Thinking about this makes me feel a little bit lost. When I left NY to go to Australia, I had a good reason. When I came back to NY I had family, then when I went to NoHo I had Smith. I came out here, to Oregon, to get away from snow and because I do have friends here. But something about Oregon isn’t saying “stay”.
But I’m not yet in “move” mode, either. I can feel it coming on, I can feel that desire to find a new place. But I think I may be able to give this “home” another 2-3 years. Who knows what 2-3 years might bring? Perhaps a reason to be somewhere.
Because feeling lost is not what I want to feel forever.
-Lisa, on February 20, 2011 at 6:37 pm