I’ve spent many years believing that, at their core, most people are decent and well-intentioned.  I tend to give basic trust up front, keeping some of the harder stuff for later when there is a true connection.

But there are people out in the world that play games, manipulate others, all for their own agenda - and it seems that far too often that agenda is all about sex.

There is a whole world, a whole subculture, of people that play games with others in order to meet their own goals - essentially to get laid.  I’ve been reading about this culture, arming myself against those games.  Believing in basic goodness is one thing - allowing myself to be played because of it is an entire other thing.

That’s happened - and that has happened recently.  I don’t like talking about it because it’s downright embarrassing.  I feel like an idiot for getting pulled in, and am angry at myself for being so trusting.  On top of that I recently had my doctor’s PA recommend NLP for some of my anxiety - because apparently she thought that me volunteering for programming could undo the damage from the forcible but often very subtle programing? 

I need a new doctor.  Anyway…

I don’t know.  And worst than that - posting this, putting this information out there marks me as a target - a mark - someone that has fallen for it before and is apparently vulnerable to those games.

Well here’s what I’ve got to say:

People don’t talk about this shit enough.  I didn’t educate myself enough to protect myself and I’m sure there are others like me.  I know there are.

Well-intentioned human beings enter the dating scene.  Some of us suck at it, rejection, failure, hurt - they are awful. But avoiding those does not rationalize the manipulation that the players engage in.

Here is the thing - these guides, the language, forums, seminars - they’re out there.  Men and women are going to these in order to receive coaching on how to approach potential partners, lure them in, get them “hooked”.

Some of the people teaching these students - and of course, then, some of the students - lack ethics and lack any discernable conscience.

But you see what I said above? I believe in the basic goodness of human beings.  Maybe some of these poor souls really are just searching and want to make real, true, lasting connections.  I don’t really think that can be done through manipulation - it starts off the whole relationship on a lie.

I don’t really know how to proceed with this information but I’m damned if I’m going to let my world-view be destroyed.  That gives such jerks far too much power.

So I have only this: go out there, talk to people - be YOU.  If people like YOU, then make a connection.  But if you put on an act and manipulate others - sure, you might get laid - even more than once - but you won’t have a real connection.  At the end of the day, if you’re playing those games, you are the chump and you’re really only manipulating yourself out of truly fulfilling connections.

And really, don’t you want to like yourself at the end of the day?

Last year I was a hermit, this year I am the opposite.

This is a new me.  It’s a wonderful journey of self-discovery.

I am more happy than I have been in a very long time.  And I mean ridiculously happy.  Beyond ridiculously happy.

As in I can’t make the smiling stop, it is no longer a matter of simple volition.

Somewhere in the last year I found self-confidence.  I am still not happy with my weight, but I am working on it.  But somewhere, somehow (50lbs down?), my own personal confidence skyrocketed.  I started to socialize, and I made a few very, very close friends.  When I hooked up with an old friend that I’d lost contact with, the confidence is what he gravitated to. 

I think I got just enough confidence to go do small stuff.  Then I found friends, and I dated, and the people that I surround myself with clearly like me for me.  I hang out with these wonderful friends and I don’t have to filter the crazy things that go through my head.  I don’t have to worry about looking stupid (oh it happens, they still like me!). 

For a very long time I didn’t feel attractive (not just physical, though that too).  That meant I didn’t go out because I didn’t have any self-confidence and so I didn’t interact: I hid.

I am still not some crazy extrovert that is dancing on table tops (sorry!).  But now, I spend time with the people that I care about and that clearly care about me - and I can be me.  I can say the things in my head, I can make the jokes I want, and I can screw up and still be accepted.

I hope everyone gets to experience this happiness and acceptance in their lives.  It is extremely special. 

Being comfortable in my own skin is wonderful.  It is my own skin, and the only one I’ve got.  Liking it is very important, after all.

Completed 25 total reps.  Meh.

I have friends across the globe.  Some of these friendships are easy to maintain; we care about each other, we shoot off emails throughout the day, watch each others social networks, and consider each other friends.  In need, we turn to each other; in proximity we see each other.

They used to be much harder to make work, before social networking, before Skype, before the Internet.

Remember those days?

I have friends in Seattle.  I don’t know if they considers me a friend as we haven’t talked directly in a long time, but I care for these people and if they needed me, I would do my damnedest to be there for them.

I don’t have many friends in Oregon.  More recently, but I can count the number on one hand.  I have been trying to nurse a new one along and it is the most drama filled situation that I could ever dream of; I hate drama, I avoid it, I was successful for a whole lot of years in that avoidance.

So why am I trying to make it work?

I don’t know.

I keep trying to figure that out.

This person is intelligent, beautiful, caring - but for some reason, we just often collide in negative ways.  But I hold some apparently deep-seated, subconscious belief that the friendship (that doesn’t yet exist) is worth the effort. 

Why?  Why go through this much stress?

I simply do not know.

Here is what I do know: I need more friends.  I need people I can reach out to, cry on their shoulders, hold them while they cry, laugh over stupid movies, have coffee, and share experiences.  I have precious few of those in my life and the ones that I rely on the most and have loved the longest are hours and hours away by plane.  It is deeply and irrationally hurtful.  It hurts me a great deal when they are hurting and I can’t be there; and it clearly hurts me when I need them and I can’t say “please, can we get a drink and talk? I could use an ear and a hug.”

Back when I was in my teens I had a friend named Toby.  He and I used to spend hours together talking, hugging, snuggling.  We were always purely friends, but we had a level of intimacy that I find lacking in my life even now.

And I don’t know how to find that person.

I… still feel very much alone.  I don’t know if Oregon is home; but right now, it feels alien.  I wish I was in NY, or San Fran, or even St. Louis.  I wish I had even one person that I knew would drop everything to be here (and that I wasn’t dating.) 

A very smart man once told me he says “I wish . . .” very carefully and truly means it when he says it. 

Those wishes above—I truly mean them. 

I don’t know how I managed to isolate myself so badly; but this can’t go on any longer.  I can see that clearly now. 

If only I knew how to fix it.

Over the course of the last month, Michael has essentially lived in my house, sleeping there nearly every night.  He and I have, over the course of the last few weeks, discussed making that move an actual official move into my home and are now moving forward with that plan.

This will mark the first time that I am officially living with someone I am in a Relationship with since Nathan.  It will be only the second time I’ve actually moved forward with this arrangement.

I have a laundry list of concerns that go along with this, of course.  Mostly about space sharing, alone time, etc.  There is the relationship model that I’m still getting used to, but that’s less of a concern.

But mostly it’s just the underlying nervousness that such a huge life change encompasses, especially when it involves another human being.  Anyone that has spent a lot of time with me knows I do not share space particularly well and that my tantrums, while usually fairly rare, are… intense.

But what’s the worst that could happen?  It doesn’t work out and Michael moves out.

Ultimately this is what I want, and I was actually the first one to bring it up (as a joke, mind you).  While I’ve hemmed and hawwed a bit over the last few weeks, this is actually what I want.

Human connections, love, relationships - they’re worth the risk. 

Onwards?

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had Time Enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just.”

“It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women.”

The above two quotes are from The Notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein.

I have hesitated to post this on my site.  After all, it is a potentially sensitive topic and this is not a private site.  I know my colleagues read the site, and I know my family reads the site.

But it’s something I want to talk about, and gosh darnit, it’s my site and I’m not particularly prone to hiding important parts of who I am.

I have recently been reading about and exploring ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, and polyamory.  I am currently involved in a wonderful relationship that is non-monogamous.  What does that mean?

It means that Michael and myself are seriously involved, but still open to dating others.

I am not talking about sex, though yes - that does have a tendency to be a feature in adult relationships.

So here’s the deal.  I grew up reading a lot of Heinlein.  Now he’s a very controversial author, but I believe in many of the things I feel he espouses in his novels - and those includes the ability to love more than one person at a time.  He has nests from Stranger in a Strange Land, the communal families in Friday, and can we really forget the rather raunchy, loving Johann/Joan from I Will Fear No Evil?

What about the Long clan?

But that is just one facet.

We live in a society where over 50% of marriages fail due to insecurity, jealousy, cheating.  I am not convinced that serial monogamy works over the long term; or heck, even over the short term.

Of course, yes, it works for some.  But the numbers out there just don’t seem to indicate success in the majority of cases.

Polyamory has become a bit of a buzz word in some areas - especially liberal communities.  It can mean a great many things.  To me it means really what it says: the ability to love many.  I’ve also become a huge fan of the XeroMag Polyamory Site.  To me, polyamory signifies the ability to love multiple people, to share harmony, peace, caring, communication.  Being able to be open and honest and share in each other’s lives seems to me to be a very fulfilling proposition.

Many humans are very sensual creatures.  We look at each other, hug, smile, touch.  It’s all about connection.  In a healthy relationship, you can be open with your partner(s) about those desires.  If there is open-ness and communication, assurance and confidence, what reason would there ever be to be jealous?

I’ve never been good at jealousy.  I’d much rather cheer people on.  Jealousy tells me something is wrong, that there is insecurity and lack of confidence and underlying problems. 

I’ve always felt that way.  But I was never able to understand it, or explain it, or connect with others that can understand, empathize and be part of that.

But here in Portland I have found a wonderful group of people that are accepting, understanding, encouraging.  I’m venturing into a new social circle that may or may not pan out, but it will let me explore one more mode of relationships - and human variance is a beautiful and awe-inspiring things.

I don’t know if there is a “right” way.  I feel that the “right” way is the one that makes people happy.  The only sin lies in hurting others.

Being in a long-term, monogamous relationship may make some happy; but for a large number of people, it simply does not work.  Instead of those relationships dissolving, why not communicate with your partner, branch out, love each other enough to be confident and secure enough that loving others come naturally?

There’s an incredible, growing community out there.  There are so many different relationship models and ways to approach this.  Like I said before, it is awe-inspiring and eye-opening. 

I know that I can love more than one person at a time; and I know that in a healthy relationship I do not get jealous.  In fact, the opposite.  I find a great deal of happiness from the happiness of those I love.

This seems like a good, healthy fit for me.

It feels right, and that ... has been a long time coming.

(I also recommend Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships)

In January, I was a lazy, fat girl with no real aspiration to fix my fitness, or weight.  I was a hermit and a recluse by choice and nature, and had no real intention of changing that either.

One day in Mid-January I woke up and was different.  You couldn’t see it yet, but it was there.

I changed my diet massively, started working out.  I still stayed at home a lot.

In March I went Paleo and started CrossFit and started going out a little more.

Over the summer I have made a whole new circle of friends.  I’m down nearly 60lbs from where I was in January.  I can do band-assisted pull-ups, lift heavy things, and have more stamina and energy than ever.

So why am I suddenly depressed?

It started a few days ago. There are elements of social shock, a very busy July with mom here then going to California, a week off of CrossFit, and just a sudden realization that I haven’t the foggiest idea who I am.

I have been learning more about different relationship models (mono vs. poly, evolutionary and modern, etc.), reading more about my future as far as my career goes.  I’ve had success after success and I don’t actually know why.  This person that I am now, I don’t recognize her.  She’s a stranger.  One that I am enjoying learning about, but a stranger nonetheless.

What stonkers me even more is that I no longer know what I actually believe, what is important to me is changing somewhat rapidly.

This all has left me as just fine company (dripping sarcasm here) for myself, with my head going into an abundance of places that it simply need not be. 

Now, I realize that people go through changes and are constantly evolving - but this feels much bigger, and quite possibly a lot more than I’m capable of handling right now.  It’s like everything is happening all at once and while all of these things are good it’s just too damn much.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post, but if I’ve seemed a bit down lately, now you know why.  It’s hard to write when you don’t know who you are to write as.

I came to realize awhile ago that I should either write a lot more professionally, or keep it personal.  It wasn’t fair to either audience if I constantly switched pace, and my readership would get frustrated in one direction or the other.

Hopefully most people reading know the answer: I kept it personal.

So forgive me for a moment if I write about work.

I am part of an incredible community of web designers, web professionals, and of course, #eecms fans.  While I don’t speak to many of these folks as often as I would like to, I have “grown up” with many of them in this industry; together, we have participated in ExpressionEngine’s, and EllisLab’s growth, and of course, the growth of the community’s respective businesses.

My love affair with ExpressionEngine started with the software, but my passion is our community.  Every single person in that community is someone I care deeply for.

But it goes beyond business, here.  Social networking: Twitter, Google Plus, Facebook, has brought the community together, enabled communication channels I never dreamt of seeing in 2004, and allowed us all to share a little bit more of our lives.

Today I tweeted about a big *personal* accomplishment: hitting the 50# lost mark:

My wonderful “cheerleaders” come from my *business* community.

(@Cirira being the wonderful exception)

In 2004, I had an inkling of what the community could be, and what it meant to be part of it. There was, of course, an awesome community already.

But I never imagined the love I would feel for this community and the people that are part of it.  I never envisioned the sense of belonging, comradeship, and support that the community would bring to each other.  Perhaps I was shortsighted.

I thought my passion was for the software, and yes, for helping people succeed using it.

But that was only the stepping stone.  Because there’s so much more here, and it floors me to think that I’m somehow honored to be part of this.

To my #eecms community, to my friends, cheerleaders, and supporters - I love you guys.  I really do.

Thank you.

Did I mention the word **crapola**?

There may be people in the world that don’t enjoy eating, I know there are.  But I don’t think that 3 months changes someone’s innate pleasures that much.  I just don’t buy it.

I’ve lost 50lbs so far.  I LOVE FOOD.  Adore it.  I enjoy the flavor, the texture, the smell of it cooking.  I enjoy the comfort of being satiated at the end of the meal.

Look, yes, food is fuel, it’s energy, hell it’s survival.  But I’m sick of hearing people say that we shouldn’t enjoy eating.  Eating is a healthy, enjoyable experience that a great many cultures use also as a bonding experience.

The problem with eating is not rooted in the enjoyment of food; it’s rooted in eating too much, or making bad food choices, or in my case a combination of those two: eating too much of the wrong food.

So yes, I’ll continue to enjoy food.  I’ll dine at awesome restaurants, and cook delectable meals, and I won’t sit there and think “this is like putting gas into a car.”  I’ll sit there and think, “Oh. my. goodness.  This is DELICIOUS” and I’ll pat my tummy and smile and enjoy myself.

Fuel? Bah humbug, I say.  Eating is not inherently evil and it’s not a pleasure you need to diminish in order to have (or regain) health.

Make good choices, eat up, and enjoy life.

I have a foster chihuahua named Bowzer here at the moment, and he is forcing me to reconsider my previously held prejudices.

_asset: images/bowzer_sleepy.jpg

You see, he’s cute (the buggy eyes I could do without, but hey).  He’s sweet.  He’s tenacious, but he’s fairly well mannered for a 4 month old.  He’s a huge snuggler, but he’s also an active player that can handle Elka and Milton quite well.

So, he’s not a snarling, annoying, aggressive beast.  I also don’t coddle him.  When we go somewhere, he walks on his own feet.  If he’s in over his head with the dogs, he can go find a place to get away from them, the same way they do when they need a break; albeit easier since he fits under more items.  He does not get picked up.

I don’t give into his every demand, and the same as if a big dog jumps on me, if he does I turn around and step away.

Ultimately, I think that all dogs can be trained to be “good dogs”.  Approachable, sociable, well-mannered.  But too many people see these tiny dogs as adornments to be carried in a purse and to be coddled.  Being picked up every time something is “scary” reinforces that fear.  Being given everything on demand leads to that infamous “small dog syndrome”.

So, I no longer hate chihuahuas.  I still think that most small dogs are obnoxious little things - but it’s not about the breed.  As always, it’s about the humans.

One item I thought was failing was the garlic - the leaves or whatever were browning. I yanked it to put a tomato plant there since it was failing then quickly replanted it.  Why?  Well, there was garlic underground!  I know, I thought it was crazy too.

So far, successfully growing is:

* Asparagus
* Green onions
* Broccoli
* Sage
* Thyme
* Garlic
* Cilantro
* Lettuce
* Basic
* Sage

The veggies I haven’t succeeded with include cucumbers, green and red peppers, and tomatos.  I re-planted those today into my planter where there was space, though potentially not enough space.  I guess I’ll find out.  I’m hoping that replanting will save these plants and make them grow.

Now, I haven’t eaten any of those - the green onions are ready to be eaten, and I could use some of the herbs for sure.  I’ve never actually worked with fresh food that I had to pick out of the ground, so this is a learning experience for me.  It’s really exciting to know that I’ve grown this food, that it comes from my garden, that it’s fresh, delicious, healthy, and that **I grew it**.

Now to get my carrots planted somewhere….

* Dizziness.  Two identified reasons - changing height (going from down to up quickly) and exertion.
* Push ups.  My butt tends to go up, I hate doing them from my knees.
* Lifts.  I forget my core, my back rounds out.
* Overall form and technique.

About 2 years ago I tried out a Personal Trainer at L.A. Fitness. He was a nice guy.  He took me from machine to machine, wrote down what I did, and cheered me on.

I gave up after about 8 sessions.  I was bored.  I didn’t understand what we were doing or why we were doing it (other than “overall fitness”).  I didn’t see improvements.

With CrossFit, I see improvements, but there were areas, the ones listed above and some others, that I really wanted to troubleshoot.  Pacific Personal Training/CrossFit Hillsboro recently had a Groupon and I grabbed the chance to try out a greatly reduced cost private session offering - 4 1-hour sessions with Rosemary.

I hadn’t been willing to pony up the dough for it beforehand; I knew Rosemary was totally awesome, but I didn’t see what private training would give me that CrossFit wasn’t.

I can answer that question now.  Rosemary has worked with me to figure out the dizziness and come up with modifications to achieve my goals.  I now know how to avoid / handle the dizziness.  I have modifications for push ups.  I have a ton of exercises to help strengthen and remind me about my core.  I’ve even learned that I lock my knees out when standing and that is likely causing my knee issues.

These training sessions differ greatly from CrossFit.  The pace is slower, there is a lot (total) focus on form and technique.  I can ask as many questions as I want, and I can really glean an understanding of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and where I should feel the exercises when my form is correct.  I really enjoy the slower, more focused pace.  It almost feels like the “workout for the day off”.  Don’t get me wrong, it is still a workout, a great one!  But the focus is utterly different.

At this point, I think I’ll likely continue with the sessions.  It depends on the troubleshooting, how much it sticks, and how my goals continue to evolve. 

But I greatly look forward to the private training every week.  Rosemary is completely awesome.  All of the CFH team is completely awesome.  I found a real treasure in this gym and the community. I am pretty sure that community is part and parcel of saving my life.

I should have done these measurements when I started in January.  Since I started 25lbs higher than the initial measurements, the numbers would look even cooler.

But, does it really matter? The numbers here are pretty freakin’ sweet, wouldn’t you say? Notice: this is only 12 weeks.  **12** weeks.  WOOT!

* Planter cleaned out, filled with good soil, and planted with herbs and veggies.
* Electric washer procured and deck cleaning started.
* Ikea Besta unit assembled and doors changed on existing unit to prepare for new TV mounting.
* 9’x12’ area rug acquired and sectional quit slipping.
* Elka furminated.
* Composter assembled and compost started.
* Re-seeded dead patches in the yard and filled in holes.

The most physical of those items was the planter.  I had to clean out the garbage I’d stored in there and then Chris and I had to shovel & wheelbarrow soil from the driveway through to the planter and dump it in.  We had hoped to have the soil dumped inside my gates, but the truck would not fit.

6 months ago I would have paid someone to do that job, it would have cost 2-3x as much just for labor.

But now?  Now I don’t fear physical activity.  I dug, I wheeled, I filled holes, and I planted, and it felt good to be moving around, to be able to lift heavy things, and do extended physical activity.  There was a great sense of accomplishment in building my garden with my own (and, of course, Chris’) hands.

We also drove out to the gorge and stopped at Multnomah Falls.  We walked up the pathway, and went up the falls.  We didn’t do the 2, or 7 mile trail, but we climbed much higher than I would have even contemplated 6 months ago.  6 months ago I would have stayed at the bottom and peered up in awe. 

Now I climbed up and peered down in awe.  Now I said, “in a few months I can bring the dogs and hike up the trail.  Next summer, we can go to the top of the falls (I think that’s the 7 mile trail).

Physical tasks no longer seem impossible, or daunting, or unenjoyable.  They’re now goals and activities that I enjoy and strive to do. 

So the 45lbs lost so far, the foot around my waist that has disappeared, the pant sizes decreasing - these things are fantastic.  But it’s the ability to *live* that has really improved.  The ability to go out,  _do things_, be physical and active and enjoy it - that ability is truly invaluable.

My life is changing, and I’m the one creating that change. 

That’s a great feeling.

I felt thankful for that free license and started helping out on the forums.  I started the EE Wiki.  I helped people succeed.

Along that journey I was made a moderator, then went on to part-time support while I studied at Smith College.  As graduation approached,  Leslie Camacho and I started discussing my future.  A few weeks after I graduated, I began my full-time journey. 

Throughout the years, I’ve gone through a variety of job titles, even more job roles, amazing successes, and total failures.  The best aspect has been the joy of being part of an incredible group of people.  The EllisLab team is .... there are no words.  I love my team, as cliché as it may seem, they feel like family to me.

What do the next 4 years hold?  I don’t know.  But my vision is to continue to be part of EllisLab, to grow with my amazing family, and to continue to help in the successes both for EllisLab and our stellar community.  I have certain goals, certain aspirations, and I want those to happen as part of the EllisLab family.

So here is to the future.  Cheers!