That one New Year's resolution

For a bunch of years, I had promised myself I wouldn’t move into the next year tethered to the same people. I promised myself I’d be free.

I broke my promise to myself many times.

Then he gave me the only gift that meant anything at all – he left. He had run me dry – now he was gone.

And so I made a new promise – to be out of the situation I was in. To get a fresh start.

But I didn’t think I could make it happen. I was weighted down by depression and anxiety. I had not the energy to make the moves I needed to free myself.

So, what a surprise that here I am – free. Doing something new, different – and yet somewhat the same.

Change is scary. Two of the primary things stolen from me during those years were my independence and my autonomy. Another was my safety. So during the times when I daydreamed about being free – I was too scared to make it happen. When it did happen randomly throughout the years – I fought to “make it work” – I pushed harder, instead of accepting the pain of that ending – the pain of a new beginning.

I forced the situation to remain the same instead of embracing the pain that would let me move forward into happiness.

I didn’t fight for myself – that was my biggest mistake.

But I’m not stuck there anymore. This year – I’m in a wholly different state of mind. My home is wonderful, I am surrounded by love – of the furry and of the human kind. I have my safety, my autonomy, and my independence back.

I have “me” back.

And so I don’t go into this year with any fresh resolutions – the only resolution I have is to continue enjoying this new beginning – this wonderfully fresh start.

And to enjoy me again.

Transitioning

I am in a strange place. Not a physical thing – mental, emotional, spiritual?

For such a long time I was trying to get away. Not just in physical location but in a variety of ways.

Now …. I am away. I’m away from all of the struggles that I had for so many years.

And everything has changed.

The challenge that I am having now is this: I was trapped/fleeing/surviving for so long that I lost track of my hobbies and what I enjoy.

Now, I’m out of that vicious cycle. I’m safe, I’m comfortable, I’m content. Life is good.

I don’t know what I want to do though. What are my hobbies? What do I enjoy doing to pass the time?

Even when I am bored – I am not sure what I want to do. They say that boredom invites creativity – well I’m bored, but not inspired to create. My motivation levels are super low in general.

So what is going to spark my curiosity? My passion? My engagement? I know there are a million options out there – and I’m trying not to pressure myself. This has been an overwhelming 3 months on top of an overwhelming decade. It’s ok that I don’t know what the heck I want right now.

Still – I long to feel that fire, that interest in something.

Life is amazing.

I don’t know why I am writing here again. But also… why not?

Life changes so quickly – and sometimes, not quickly enough.

For many long years I allowed myself to be lied to, manipulated, and abused because I wanted to believe in the good of people – especially the ones I fell in love with.

I gave chance after chance, while slowly going insane and acting in ways that were very scary.

I went into therapy. I did the self-work. But it was one-sided. Only I was doing the work. I went on medication after medication. I hated myself and how I acted. I worked to make myself a better person.

At home, I gave away pieces of myself until there were no more left. And still I tried to give more.

Now, I am surrounded by loving people – people who knew me before, and know me after – and I am reassured that I am not a monster – though the things I did out of fear and desperation were horrible acts.

And the more I look back, the more I can see why people were warning me and why they tried to help me get away.

Because they love me.

So here I am, on the other side of that struggle. I have a wonderful partner, a beautiful home, a menagerie of wonderful pets, and peace.

I didn’t think I would get here. For a long time I felt so trapped. And I was trapped for a long time.

But I am free now. I have the love of people that want me to be free, that love me as I am, and that find my most annoying quirks wonderful.

I don’t know what the future looks like; but I am finally enjoying the present.