I don’t know why I am writing here again. But also… why not?
Life changes so quickly – and sometimes, not quickly enough.
For many long years I allowed myself to be lied to, manipulated, and abused because I wanted to believe in the good of people – especially the ones I fell in love with.
I gave chance after chance, while slowly going insane and acting in ways that were very scary.
I went into therapy. I did the self-work. But it was one-sided. Only I was doing the work. I went on medication after medication. I hated myself and how I acted. I worked to make myself a better person.
At home, I gave away pieces of myself until there were no more left. And still I tried to give more.
Now, I am surrounded by loving people – people who knew me before, and know me after – and I am reassured that I am not a monster – though the things I did out of fear and desperation were horrible acts.
And the more I look back, the more I can see why people were warning me and why they tried to help me get away.
Because they love me.
So here I am, on the other side of that struggle. I have a wonderful partner, a beautiful home, a menagerie of wonderful pets, and peace.
I didn’t think I would get here. For a long time I felt so trapped. And I was trapped for a long time.
But I am free now. I have the love of people that want me to be free, that love me as I am, and that find my most annoying quirks wonderful.
I don’t know what the future looks like; but I am finally enjoying the present.