Plumbed out crickets

Plugging away in the plumbed out space. Parties peering through the memories.

Another wasted year. Cauliflower crickets call charmingly. Creating cacophonous collages.

In another dimension, frogs. Bats. Water aflame.

Wandering down the twisted path. Straight, straight, down.

Up, what is down? Sideways angles. Take this turn, then this other one. End up right back at the beginning.

But is it? The beginning has ended. The beginning…. it ended when it began.

What about the ending? Does it begin when it ends? Does the end, end?

Snakes. Eating tails.

Bears, eating paws. Stuck in metal teeth. Mink.

Free writing. First learned in 2002? 2003?

A lifetime. A college. Two colleges. Many jobs. Two very wrong decisions.

Heart beats. Heartbeats. Hearts beating.

What if the beating stops?

Tick. Tick. Tick.

A clock ticks. A beginning and an ending.

And a middle, no matter how short. Time passes. Time we can not see, smell, hear, or otherwise detect.

Passing through the fruit of the looms. Loins?

Choices, for one beginning to become another beginning it’s its own choices, decisions, beginnings, and endings.

And don’t forget the middle. The shades of grey. The extremes. The middle. The moderate.

Moderate? Moderation is for monks.

Monks. Meditation. Silence.

Peace.

Then this thing.

Ends.

2020

Well, it is now the new year.

It’s also Wednesday. I have two meetings today.

Inviting in a new year is supposed to be such lofty times of goal setting, new hope, optimism, etc. Then in a few weeks, a majority of the universe (so it seems to me) is disappointed with themselves.

Maybe I’ve been isolating too much, because I haven’t seen any grand decade plans. Welcome to a new decade, too.

For me? My goal is to get through today. Simple, easy, and pretty much the same as every other day. If I can manage to do this for another decade, I’ll get to enjoy 2030, too.

Whee.

That one New Year’s resolution

For a bunch of years, I had promised myself I wouldn’t move into the next year tethered to the same people. I promised myself I’d be free.

I broke my promise to myself many times.

Then he gave me the only gift that meant anything at all – he left. He had run me dry – now he was gone.

And so I made a new promise – to be out of the situation I was in. To get a fresh start.

But I didn’t think I could make it happen. I was weighted down by depression and anxiety. I had not the energy to make the moves I needed to free myself.

So, what a surprise that here I am – free. Doing something new, different – and yet somewhat the same.

Change is scary. Two of the primary things stolen from me during those years were my independence and my autonomy. Another was my safety. So during the times when I daydreamed about being free – I was too scared to make it happen. When it did happen randomly throughout the years – I fought to “make it work” – I pushed harder, instead of accepting the pain of that ending – the pain of a new beginning.

I forced the situation to remain the same instead of embracing the pain that would let me move forward into happiness.

I didn’t fight for myself – that was my biggest mistake.

But I’m not stuck there anymore. This year – I’m in a wholly different state of mind. My home is wonderful, I am surrounded by love – of the furry and of the human kind. I have my safety, my autonomy, and my independence back.

I have “me” back.

And so I don’t go into this year with any fresh resolutions – the only resolution I have is to continue enjoying this new beginning – this wonderfully fresh start.

And to enjoy me again.