Well, it is now the new year.
It’s also Wednesday. I have two meetings today.
Inviting in a new year is supposed to be such lofty times of goal setting, new hope, optimism, etc. Then in a few weeks, a majority of the universe (so it seems to me) is disappointed with themselves.
Maybe I’ve been isolating too much, because I haven’t seen any grand decade plans. Welcome to a new decade, too.
For me? My goal is to get through today. Simple, easy, and pretty much the same as every other day. If I can manage to do this for another decade, I’ll get to enjoy 2030, too.
For a bunch of years, I had promised myself I wouldn’t move into the next year tethered to the same people. I promised myself I’d be free.
I broke my promise to myself many times.
Then he gave me the only gift that meant anything at all – he left. He had run me dry – now he was gone.
And so I made a new promise – to be out of the situation I was in. To get a fresh start.
But I didn’t think I could make it happen. I was weighted down by depression and anxiety. I had not the energy to make the moves I needed to free myself.
So, what a surprise that here I am – free. Doing something new, different – and yet somewhat the same.
Change is scary. Two of the primary things stolen from me during those years were my independence and my autonomy. Another was my safety. So during the times when I daydreamed about being free – I was too scared to make it happen. When it did happen randomly throughout the years – I fought to “make it work” – I pushed harder, instead of accepting the pain of that ending – the pain of a new beginning.
I forced the situation to remain the same instead of embracing the pain that would let me move forward into happiness.
I didn’t fight for myself – that was my biggest mistake.
But I’m not stuck there anymore. This year – I’m in a wholly different state of mind. My home is wonderful, I am surrounded by love – of the furry and of the human kind. I have my safety, my autonomy, and my independence back.
I have “me” back.
And so I don’t go into this year with any fresh resolutions – the only resolution I have is to continue enjoying this new beginning – this wonderfully fresh start.
And to enjoy me again.
I am in a strange place. Not a physical thing – mental, emotional, spiritual?
For such a long time I was trying to get away. Not just in physical location but in a variety of ways.
Now …. I am away. I’m away from all of the struggles that I had for so many years.
And everything has changed.
The challenge that I am having now is this: I was trapped/fleeing/surviving for so long that I lost track of my hobbies and what I enjoy.
Now, I’m out of that vicious cycle. I’m safe, I’m comfortable, I’m content. Life is good.
I don’t know what I want to do though. What are my hobbies? What do I enjoy doing to pass the time?
Even when I am bored – I am not sure what I want to do. They say that boredom invites creativity – well I’m bored, but not inspired to create. My motivation levels are super low in general.
So what is going to spark my curiosity? My passion? My engagement? I know there are a million options out there – and I’m trying not to pressure myself. This has been an overwhelming 3 months on top of an overwhelming decade. It’s ok that I don’t know what the heck I want right now.
Still – I long to feel that fire, that interest in something.