Heading toward 2023.

New Year Resolutions. I don’t tend to like them. Mostly because they fade away. Quickly.

I’ve spent 2022 building new habits, growing, learning. Also, I suppose, shrinking?

Today, this last day of 2022, I consider what I’ve done this year.

  • I’ve gotten into and stayed in the 150-155lb range. My lowest adult weight.
  • I’ve revived my love of reading, though I now combine that as book reading and book listening (thanks to the Kindle/Audible sync) and read for multiple hours every day.
  • I’ve picked up a lifting routine to get strong.
  • I have practiced a new language (Dutch) every day.
  • I’ve learned how to cook several new dishes and am enjoying learning more.
  • I’ve returned to horseback riding regularly. Finding my way out of anhedonia and into joy.
  • I’ve done (and continue to do) the mental health work through EMDR that has lead to my continual healing from the trauma & abuse I dealt with for years in Hillsboro then Southern Oregon.

Going into 2023 I find myself for the first time with optimism and hope. I am now fit & healthy. I am an equestrian, reader, learner, and cook.

My New Year’s resolution, then? KEEP IT UP!

No new habits or big changes. No new commitments heading into 2023. I have some goals around my new habits, of course! Striving.

I head into 2023 self-embodied, self-aware, and ready to continue on this incredible journey.

I head into 2023 grateful that I got out of that toxic mess before the pandemic started. Grateful isn’t a big enough word.

I head into 2023 grateful that I have a wonderful support network.

I head into 2023 overjoyed to have re-connected with friends that I was purposefully isolated from.

I head into 2023 independent, healthy, supported, and safe.

I head into 2023 with hope and optimism I thought I might never feel again.

I head into 2023 wholly me.


Healing without medication

Had a physical today and went over my blood test results.

All the problems I had last year – especially cholesterol – solved. All of my numbers are perfectly in range. No signs of insulin resistance or fatty liver.

I’m healthy.

I did it.

No statins (they’re seriously controversial and may even do harm…), no drugs or meds. Some supplements & lifestyle changes.

  • Cut back on diet soda from 1 liter/day to about 1 small bottle a week
  • Added Omega 3 + Coq10 supplementation, and Berberine

… and I didn’t do any long fasts (or even regular fasting) for 3 weeks leading up to my blood tests. Fasting can raise cholesterol – who know? My previous physician simply tried to put me on a statin with NO DISCUSSION of lifestyle or other factors that could play into the test results.

I fired that doctor.

Then I fixed me.

I am no longer at risk of cardiovascular disease. I am not a likely heart attack candidate.

All of the hard work, fasting, lifting, rowing, restrictions – they all paid off. I’m healthy, I like how I look in the mirror, I like that I can move. I found sustainable practices that will keep me healthy for decades.

I’m feeling incredibly proud of myself today.

Sometimes, life surprises us

Actually, fuck “sometimes.” Often?

Often is more accurate.

Surprises can be delightful, or they can be traumatic. Or anywhere in between. I’ve had my share of traumatic experiences in the last decade. The surprise there was how evil some “people” can be.

Those surprises made the current state of the world much less surprising. That’s unfortunate.

But in the last few days I’ve had some good surprises.

I let someone know I’d been uncomfortable with a situation that happened some time ago. I expected misdirection, redirection, blame, dismissiveness.

Instead, they also expressed discomfort and we agreed on how to move forward.

A surprise: a delightfully pleasant one.

And today, I had a non-human surprise. My partner and I had identified some probable poison ivy in the yard. Unfortunately, the “poison ivy” was climbing my fence – the only reason that my dog stays here! So it came to be choppin’ time.

I chopped chopped chopped. Lots of vines, not all looked like poison.

And then… I saw them.


Berries. I stopped and thought to myself, “does poison ivy flower? Does it have berries?” What about those thorn/spike things? Is that a feature of poison ivy?”

So I got my phone from the house and identified the plant: blackberries. Poison ivy does not have spikes/thorns. I stopped there, still not sure if the stuff flowers.

I stopped chopping. Yes, the fence still needs care – but I want to see what I can do about not killing off all the berries in order to protect the fence. On a cool morning.

And so… surprise. The thing I had earmarked as “bad” was… not only not bad, it was entirely misidentified. I had labeled one thing — something I wanted — as a bad thing.

And so… healing. It all comes back to healing.

EMDR. Reprocessing trauma and learning how to be me safely in the world. Learning. Growth. A reminder that things can turn out to be good.

So I ask… dear world: please continue to surprise me in the delightful way, because right now things are looking pretty fucking grim in “the world” (I mean the close-to-disUnited States) and I could really use some more … optimism.

And lastly but of course, not least… happy birthday mom. I miss you. Thank you for sending some berries to eat, along with that tiny dash of hope. ❤️