Homesick

Teenager. Green, gold. MUDs, EQ, and love.

And back, Red. White. Blue.

Blue? Me too. For some time.

Then school. A long, hard trawl. Success.

A new start, 3000 miles away. Precipitated changed. Planned.

Care. A new apartment, new friends, a beautiful town.

In love with this new place. Home.

102 houses. Super Bowl Sunday.

THE house.

A month later. My house.

Walk, touch, look. My house. Mine.

Independent, alone,

Success.

Comfort, love. Renovations. Make it mine.

CrossFit, health. 80lbs lost.

Love. The romantic kind.

10 years of isolation, unprepared.

Red flag.

Red flag.

RED FLAG.

Unprepared. Naive.

My home, my success, my power.

Targeted.

Love. With a fiction. Manipulated into believing fiction was truth.

Red flags. Everywhere.

That day, the names, the kitchens doors slamming.

Lost. Dazed. Confused.

Hands, shoulders, shook.

Water, was in the cup, now…

Dripping.

Years later.

Home. Mine. Changed.

Coerced into making it look and feel no longer MINE.

A move, fleeing. More fleeing. Mania of psych meds, unnoticed, or encouraged?

2 years, too much to think.

Suburbia gone. Country here.

Still mine but not mine.

Who am I?

A ghost.

Nothing.

Another new start. Back.

Snow.

A home. Beautiful home.

Mine and,

Not me.

Discomfort.

Pandemania.

Now. Missing.

What was mine. What was me.

My comfort, my home, my life, my independence.

What I worked for.

Discarded in the wake of evil.

Now, here. Be here now.

Sleeping in the brightness.

Awake in the dark.

Always cold.

Always.

So.

Cold.

Desolation, isolation, loss of hope.

Never mind happiness, but what about contentment?

Peace?

Homesick.

For the planned life I lived.

Homesick.

For the plans I made and discarded.

Trauma.

Homesick.

Will happiness come?

I am,

Who?

Lost.

Who am I?

The loss of innocence

2010. Innocent.

Evil?

Overcomable.

Changeable.

Growth.

Health. Happiness. Comfort.

On top of the world. Best days of a life. Success.

Evil?

A chance given.

That flag? Ignored. Burning bright, bright flames. Red hot.

Chances. Change.

Internalized goodness.

Hope & Optimism.

Misplaced. Not him. Not her. “It”

The truth.

What they were once and claimed to have healed

Present now.

Advantage, taken.

Trust given.

Chance. After Chance.

After chance.

Fires burning everywhere.

Destruction.

Loss of dreams.

Loss of hope.

Self.

Stolen.

Innocence, Lost.

Lessons

I’ve been pondering, introspecting, wondering.

I’ve learned many lessons in the last few years. Here are a few on my mind this morning:

  1. Words said in anger are truth. Anger grants us the energy and courage to speak those harder truths
  2. What’s in the parenthesis is often more important than what’s outside of them

Pay attention.