Homesick

Teenager. Green, gold. MUDs, EQ, and love.

And back, Red. White. Blue.

Blue? Me too. For some time.

Then school. A long, hard trawl. Success.

A new start, 3000 miles away. Precipitated changed. Planned.

Care. A new apartment, new friends, a beautiful town.

In love with this new place. Home.

102 houses. Super Bowl Sunday.

THE house.

A month later. My house.

Walk, touch, look. My house. Mine.

Independent, alone,

Success.

Comfort, love. Renovations. Make it mine.

CrossFit, health. 80lbs lost.

Love. The romantic kind.

10 years of isolation, unprepared.

Red flag.

Red flag.

RED FLAG.

Unprepared. Naive.

My home, my success, my power.

Targeted.

Love. With a fiction. Manipulated into believing fiction was truth.

Red flags. Everywhere.

That day, the names, the kitchens doors slamming.

Lost. Dazed. Confused.

Hands, shoulders, shook.

Water, was in the cup, now…

Dripping.

Years later.

Home. Mine. Changed.

Coerced into making it look and feel no longer MINE.

A move, fleeing. More fleeing. Mania of psych meds, unnoticed, or encouraged?

2 years, too much to think.

Suburbia gone. Country here.

Still mine but not mine.

Who am I?

A ghost.

Nothing.

Another new start. Back.

Snow.

A home. Beautiful home.

Mine and,

Not me.

Discomfort.

Pandemania.

Now. Missing.

What was mine. What was me.

My comfort, my home, my life, my independence.

What I worked for.

Discarded in the wake of evil.

Now, here. Be here now.

Sleeping in the brightness.

Awake in the dark.

Always cold.

Always.

So.

Cold.

Desolation, isolation, loss of hope.

Never mind happiness, but what about contentment?

Peace?

Homesick.

For the planned life I lived.

Homesick.

For the plans I made and discarded.

Trauma.

Homesick.

Will happiness come?

I am,

Who?

Lost.

Who am I?

That one New Year’s resolution

For a bunch of years, I had promised myself I wouldn’t move into the next year tethered to the same people. I promised myself I’d be free.

I broke my promise to myself many times.

Then he gave me the only gift that meant anything at all – he left. He had run me dry – now he was gone.

And so I made a new promise – to be out of the situation I was in. To get a fresh start.

But I didn’t think I could make it happen. I was weighted down by depression and anxiety. I had not the energy to make the moves I needed to free myself.

So, what a surprise that here I am – free. Doing something new, different – and yet somewhat the same.

Change is scary. Two of the primary things stolen from me during those years were my independence and my autonomy. Another was my safety. So during the times when I daydreamed about being free – I was too scared to make it happen. When it did happen randomly throughout the years – I fought to “make it work” – I pushed harder, instead of accepting the pain of that ending – the pain of a new beginning.

I forced the situation to remain the same instead of embracing the pain that would let me move forward into happiness.

I didn’t fight for myself – that was my biggest mistake.

But I’m not stuck there anymore. This year – I’m in a wholly different state of mind. My home is wonderful, I am surrounded by love – of the furry and of the human kind. I have my safety, my autonomy, and my independence back.

I have “me” back.

And so I don’t go into this year with any fresh resolutions – the only resolution I have is to continue enjoying this new beginning – this wonderfully fresh start.

And to enjoy me again.