Tag: me

100lbs lost

~ Moment ~ 2 Comments

100.2lbs lost as of this morning.

My heaviest weight was 258.8 on October 7, 2010.

This morning I weighed 158.6.

It wasn’t ~12 years of effort. I got down to 185 or so last time, then I started dating. Being social was a big challenge for paleo and eating out, especially back then. I got back on track and got down to 176.4, then started to go up again.

I ended up involved in a very abusive relationship with two people. Over the following years, as I entered survival mode, I gained and gained weight. Those relationships fully ended, thankfully, in 2018.

But healing is stressful and painful, too, so I continued to gain, eventually getting up to 230lbs.

On December 30th, 2020, I happened down a rabbit hole about Intermittent Fasting, something I had been interested in years earlier – but “not eating” was “not allowed.” Simply not being hungry for breakfast had serious, punitive consequences for me. If you’ve been with a narcissist or another type of abuser, you might understand this level of control. I hope you have no idea wtf I’m talking about.

2018-2020 I tried to get back on to Paleo and failed miserably. What had been easy for me the first time seemed impossible now.

Back to December 30th, 2020. After watching YouTube videos from Dr. Fung and some random personal journies – I immediately started fasting with no other plan. It wasn’t until about a month later that I added CICO restrictions and ate more healthy and less processed food. I found fasting to be easy, even enjoyable. My brain fog cleared up, and I had more energy. Food was an easier decision. Life eas easier. Fasting is great! This has turned my life around and feels sustainable for the long-term: a natural fit.

MyFitnessPal says my start weight for this round was 230lbs, so 71.4lbs lost since December 30, 2020.

It’s been a heckin’ interesting ride, and my health journey continues. 

A Photo Journey

My Weight Loss Journey

Homesick

~ Moment ~ Leave a comment

Teenager. Green, gold. MUDs, EQ, and love.

And back, Red. White. Blue.

Blue? Me too. For some time.

Then school. A long, hard trawl. Success.

A new start, 3000 miles away. Precipitated changed. Planned.

Care. A new apartment, new friends, a beautiful town.

In love with this new place. Home.

102 houses. Super Bowl Sunday.

THE house.

A month later. My house.

Walk, touch, look. My house. Mine.

Independent, alone,

Success.

Comfort, love. Renovations. Make it mine.

CrossFit, health. 80lbs lost.

Love. The romantic kind.

10 years of isolation, unprepared.

Red flag.

Red flag.

RED FLAG.

Unprepared. Naive.

My home, my success, my power.

Targeted.

Love. With a fiction. Manipulated into believing fiction was truth.

Red flags. Everywhere.

That day, the names, the kitchens doors slamming.

Lost. Dazed. Confused.

Hands, shoulders, shook.

Water, was in the cup, now…

Dripping.

Years later.

Home. Mine. Changed.

Coerced into making it look and feel no longer MINE.

A move, fleeing. More fleeing. Mania of psych meds, unnoticed, or encouraged?

2 years, too much to think.

Suburbia gone. Country here.

Still mine but not mine.

Who am I?

A ghost.

Nothing.

Another new start. Back.

Snow.

A home. Beautiful home.

Mine and,

Not me.

Discomfort.

Pandemania.

Now. Missing.

What was mine. What was me.

My comfort, my home, my life, my independence.

What I worked for.

Discarded in the wake of evil.

Now, here. Be here now.

Sleeping in the brightness.

Awake in the dark.

Always cold.

Always.

So.

Cold.

Desolation, isolation, loss of hope.

Never mind happiness, but what about contentment?

Peace?

Homesick.

For the planned life I lived.

Homesick.

For the plans I made and discarded.

Trauma.

Homesick.

Will happiness come?

I am,

Who?

Lost.

Who am I?

That one New Year’s resolution

~ Moment ~ Leave a comment

For a bunch of years, I had promised myself I wouldn’t move into the next year tethered to the same people. I promised myself I’d be free.

I broke my promise to myself many times.

Then he gave me the only gift that meant anything at all – he left. He had run me dry – now he was gone.

And so I made a new promise – to be out of the situation I was in. To get a fresh start.

But I didn’t think I could make it happen. I was weighted down by depression and anxiety. I had not the energy to make the moves I needed to free myself.

So, what a surprise that here I am – free. Doing something new, different – and yet somewhat the same.

Change is scary. Two of the primary things stolen from me during those years were my independence and my autonomy. Another was my safety. So during the times when I daydreamed about being free – I was too scared to make it happen. When it did happen randomly throughout the years – I fought to “make it work” – I pushed harder, instead of accepting the pain of that ending – the pain of a new beginning.

I forced the situation to remain the same instead of embracing the pain that would let me move forward into happiness.

I didn’t fight for myself – that was my biggest mistake.

But I’m not stuck there anymore. This year – I’m in a wholly different state of mind. My home is wonderful, I am surrounded by love – of the furry and of the human kind. I have my safety, my autonomy, and my independence back.

I have “me” back.

And so I don’t go into this year with any fresh resolutions – the only resolution I have is to continue enjoying this new beginning – this wonderfully fresh start.

And to enjoy me again.