Being me, healing

It’s been an interesting time for me recently. Not interesting in the greater scheme of things: my life is still beautifully boring and I’d like it to stay that way forever. Interesting in my world.

I have done multiple assembly projects:

  • My new home theater system: back to modular pieces!
  • My yoga trapeze stand
  • An art storage cart
  • A multi-tier dish-drying rack
  • Catio!

Why is this so interesting in my world? I have a lot of challenges with assembling things. This causes a lot of emotional volatility for me, which of course, makes it even harder to finalize the projects successfully.

Even things I have done successfully many times: like connecting up home theaters.

But this last month or two, I’ve assembled all these things – and only the catio with help (it’s a powder-coated dog kennel, it was a two-person job anyway, but very simple). The others I completed on my own.

This is a big deal. One of the results of the abuse that I endured was learned helplessness. And I had already learned to be helpless with regards to assemblies thanks to IKEA. (Rawr! I still won’t try to assemble IKEA furniture!).

I also have a low patience threshold with these things: I get frustrated quickly and easily.

But … my partner has been helping me with a ton of projects around the house, and they’re endlessly patient, cooperative, enabling,and helpful. They’re also an amazing teacher. And they listen to me and hear my suggestions and … turns out, I have some good ideas. Who knew?

So, now, when I buy something that does need assembly, I know I can get it together (except IKEA, never fucking trying that bullshit again). I go into it confidently. When I hit a snag, it doesn’t infuriate or upset me. It confuses the bejeebus out of me, and then I figure it out.

And I know if I do get truly stuck: I have the most amazing help 20 minutes away… or a FaceTime call. And that person is safe to ask for said help.

And most of this? I did during some incredibly hard EMDR reprocessing and an especially challenging cycle.

In fact… that 100lb lost mark?

… that was lost 2 days after hitting it. Over the course of this cycle I gained 14 lbs in 9 days. Shot back up to 172. I sure did.

So when shark week ended, I went ahead and engaged in a 48-hour fast and got back to eating healthy foods and tracking my calories. I’m back down to 159 now. Yes, I lost those 13lbs in about 5 days.

This is why I don’t worry about my PMS binges. I’ve been doing this now for a long time, I know how quickly the weight drops after my cycle.

It’s not true weight gain. I mean yes, I definitely had several 4000 calorie days in there, but it takes longer, sustained over-eating to truly gain weight. I’m ok with this. Mostly it was hormones, water, and salt causing retention. Also some chocolate cake, pizza, meatball grinder, and chocolate chip cookie dough, too. Oh and bagels w/ cream cheese.

I’m a food disaster sometimes, my friends. But it’s moderated by how well I eat (and don’t eat) the rest of the time.

Anyway. Transparency. I hope it helps some folks on their journey.

I’ll be back at the 100lb lost mark tomorrow.

My goal for May is to be solidly in the 150s, to get my set point low enough that a big day won’t throw me back in the 160s. 10 days left in May: easily on track to reach that goal.

I feel like I am finally finding myself again. Feeling “right” and safe in my own skin.

To finish, photo time!

RIP Elka 🌈💔

Last week was a good week. By that I mean that all of the days on Elka’s calendar were green.

Thursday, Elka and I went on several outdoor strolls around the yard, training with treats. In the morning she gave me a for real kiss. We had a habit of “kiss kiss” before breakfast, which would often only be a nose target. Thursday she gave me a soft aroo and a for real kiss. I remember feeling so filled with joy at her kiss and giving her one right back. 💖

She had a blood work appointment in the morning and we went on a short drive after before coming home. She laid down and enjoyed the ride.

Thursday evening I gave all the dogs bones. At some point in the evening, Elka aroo’d from the kitchen, asking for help getting up. Her aroos had become soft and airy, a bit hoarse and even more endearing.

I helped her up and she came to the den and let me spend hours loving on her. I was doing actual consent tests like seeing if she’d ignore an ear scratch or lean in, because I knew she often had a limit of affection she wanted. She always leaned in. On Thursday, she always wanted more. I was happy to be with her, loving on her. All the animals were nearby, staying close.

She gave my hands kisses for many minutes. She was more clingy, more affectionate, more present than she had been in months.

In hindsight, I think this was the last energy her beautiful body had. The last bit of life. She gave me the greatest gift she possibly could – a surge of energy and vitality, of life, to share one more beautiful and grand day with me and her family.

I miss her so much and I am so grateful for that last, wonderful, long and beautiful day, and having that time where Elka was with me, vital, alive, with light in her eyes – one more time.